Because I know I've neglected this little blog, I will try to post some photos and words in the next few days. Here are some shots of things that I miss:
Being able to take photos like this one, taken at Phu Quoc Island
And already I've run out of steam! I just can't think of what to write at the moment. It's strange being home, because it almost feels like my whole Vietnam experience might have been some sort of weird dream. Because now I'm home acting like many post-grads act--I'm unemployed, I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm loafing around...essentially, I'm useless. And when I'm unproductive (I know, going to the gym, etc. is productive, but it doesn't feel like it) I get super restless and down on myself.
Ugh! Just writing this is making me down on myself! I'm going to stop, and think about it some more, and watch the Uruguay vs. Netherlands World Cup Game. Ok?
Anyway, that's what I am today. Flying back to California! I'll try to do a post when I get there wrapping things up. But we'll see. Right now I'm too nervous and excited to write.
Inspired by Kevin and Bean of KROQ in California, I’ve collected a list of band names. Or rather, phrases that sound to me like band names or song titles. Some have taken on their own identities in my head. Hope you enjoy this randomness. One day, when MTV debuts the video (do they still play videos?) for the hit single “Nothing to Declare” by Spendthrift Hedonist, you will laugh and remember when. So here goes:
Transient Orcas: I believe this came from a Skype conversation with my mom, in which she was describing the nature show she was watching.
An Unexpected Camel: From a description in a book from about 1915 of the paintings of Biblical events, that sometimes feature an unexpected camel. I personally think “The Unexpected Camel” could be the sequel to the book “The Reluctant Fundamentalist”. It has a similar ring.
Spendthrift Hedonist: Another from my mom, which came from a conversation in which she was trying to talk me down from a financial freakout, as I assessed the status of my bank account. Imagine the tone of voice as she said, “Arielle, it’s not like you’re a spendthrift hedonist.” That woman, she has a way with words.
Madmen & Martyrs: From World History of Art. This would be an emo-punk band, I’m guessing, featuring several skinny-jeans-wearing dudes with thick-rimmed glasses and swooping hairdos. Maybe a blond guy as a lead singer. What do you think?
Swiss Chards of Pain: From Katherine. Vegan straight-edge emo band from Switzerland?
Nothing to Declare: I just like the poetic possibilities of these airport signs. I always wish that I had something to declare, but usually don’t.
An Orgy of Love and Blood: Another foray into emo-dom (emo-hood?). An actual phrase from World History of Art, describing the Middle Ages, or something.
Flock of Zeros: Comes from Rachel and I playing the binary game in Pai. I can’t really explain it further.
Herding Cats: Cute girl band? Not sure.
Obigustal Fkench: A typo from a text we’re working on. I’m thinking an indie/hipster band from Sweden or something. Lead singer Sveta Hüdsbjorn: tall, skinny, red hair covering one eye, lots of eye makeup, smoky alto voice that can also scream quite well. What say you?
Hello, interwebs! (Note: something is going on with the formatting, and it keeps previewing all wonky. I will fix it soon.)
I know, it's been forever. I'm sorry I haven't written more, and I'm sorry I haven't put up more pictures. If you're my facebook friend, you can see them, or you can email me and I'll send you a link. But the internet at my house isn't strong enough to upload to blogger at the moment.
I also haven't written lately because there has been so much in my head that I've been too overwhelmed to get it out in so many outlets. I talk about it with my parents and friends, I write in my journal about it, and at the end of the day the blogging gets postponed.
I wrote a post a while back discussing my general feeling that this time in Vietnam, while it is my life right now, doesn’t feel like my real life, the way I imagine my life to be. I’m not saying that this experience doesn’t “count”, I am incredibly grateful to have had this opportunity and I think that it has helped me evolve into the person that I am always striving to be. However…
I’m ready to move on. I’ve already stayed longer than I expected to, having extended my contract six months past the expected end date in order to gain more work and life experience. But what I’m feeling now is that I’m approaching the limit where the experience can be growth-inducing and where it can be detrimental to who I am. In essence, it’s wearing me down. My tolerance for culture clash is growing smaller and smaller, reducing me to feeling like a racist asshole who can’t stand “the Asians”, which just isn’t me. As I’ve explored before on this blog, it’s a constant battle between my occasional frustration with this foreign culture and then my immediate guilt trip and self-consciousness at feeling said frustration. And it’s exhausting.
Of course, I have a lot of dreams and ambitions for the future, some that have only developed recently. I now know that I like working in publishing (albeit not in…certain circumstances), and would like to keep trying it, in different genres, working my way towards getting involved in the fiction world. And I know that I need to go to New York, and I’m impatient about getting there and starting a new adventure. And now that I know these things, being here just feels like I’m stagnant.
And much of it has to do with culture. I’ve said to my friends (with a deep guilt at saying so, mind you) that I look forward to having first-world problems again. These are problems I know how to manage: having little money, working all the time to pay rent, finding an apartment or room to live in, finding a job, writing cover letters, getting around places, managing my time to work, see friends, relax. I look forward to being able to focus on these challenges without, say, the constant fear of being hit by a motorbike while walking on the sidewalk. Or the annoyance of having “Hello! Where you from! Motobike you?” shouted at me five times daily. I look forward to being able to pay my own bills because I will be able to read them, and not have to ask the neighbor for help to order more drinking water.
As anyone who knows me is aware, I’m a control freak. When I’m not in control of a situation, I go a bit bananas. The more control I have over a situation, the better I feel about it. I recognize when I don’t have control, and as long as I’m aware that I don’t, I can adapt myself to keep control over the things that I can, and accept the things that I can’t. Here, the things that I can’t control seem far more than I’ve handled before, in Chicago, Paris, and Los Angeles, and they are more constant. Here I am constantly assaulted by the things I can’t control, and it’s tough.
I know when I get back to the states, I will once again be overwhelmed, less with traffic and food choices and communication, and more with reverse culture shock and unemployment and moving to New York. But these are things that, in some form or another, I have dealt with before, and I am ready for it.
As far as specifics goes, this is my “plan”. My last day of work is April 5 (Wooooooooo! Sorry, had to get that out). My parents will be here April 3 to the 23, and we’ll be travelling a bit in Vietnam, and they’ll go to Angkor Wat to get all templed out. Once they leave, I will (Visa providing) head to Laos for a week or so, then back to Saigon to gather my belongs, and fly home to LA the first week of May. Once home, I plan to do many things, such as: sleep on my tiny twin bed, surround by stuffed animals and pillows, for at least 2 days; play with my puppy; have a welcome back party for myself at my house; overdose on In-n-Out (sp?), Mexican food, and diners; drive around LA a lot; and—most importantly—plan for the future. In a perfect world, I would somehow figure out how to do a cross-country road trip with NY as the final destination: I’m thinking drive up the coast, then over the Northwest, stop in Chicago for a bit, then over to NY. However, the logistics are tricky, as I have no car, I don’t want to buy a car only to sell it in NY, and renting one is pricey. So it probably won’t happen. Yet. Eventually, yes. (Have I talked about this on here before? I feel like I’m repeating myself. Oh, well.)
In any event, this is my plan. And I’m excited about it, and thus my excitement about being in Vietnam is waning. Has waned. You get it.
But I don’t want any of the negativity that I may feel towards being here to overwhelm my last months. I want to end on a high note. I think having my parents here will help greatly, as I will get to show them things, and participate in their experience of a new place (they’ve never been to Asia before), as well as have some family adventures (hopefully all good ones). We’ll see.
For now, I am working on dividing my thoughts between the future and the present. On the one hand, I am excited about my New York adventure, and on the other, I want to enjoy my remaining time here, one day at a time. So I am doing that, while still preparing myself to depart and embark on a new journey.
For my Tet holiday this year, I'll be heading to Thailand with my friend Rachel from work. I am super excited! Here is a map of our plan, roughly.
[The map looks blurry in small view: click on it to make it clearer.]
We'll fly into and out of Bangkok. The day we land in Bangkok, the 10th, we'll take a night train (hopefully) to Chiang Mai (that's the blue trajectory on the map), and then a bus to either Pai or Chiang Rai, depending on how we feel. Then, with the largest leg of travel done, we'll be working our way south, hitting Chiang Mai for real, then Lampang (where there is an amazing elephant conservation park and I will be frolicking with elephants to my heart's delight), then Sukhothai, then Ayutthaya, and back to Bangkok. And anywhere else in between that strikes our fancy.
I'm looking forward to some adventure, as well as cooler weather, and--most importantly--ELEPHANTS. Elephants elephants elephants. I am obsessed with them, as you may know. And Thailand is famous for them. YES. I am sooooo excited.
So Rachel and I will be cruising around Thailand, and I will take a ton of photos to document our adventures. I'll keep you posted!
I recently read a book called Shantaram that aptly described one of the most significant aspects of expat life over here, and it got me thinking. To paraphrase, the narrator of the book, a New Zealander living in Bombay, describes himself at being stared at into invisibility. As in, it doesn't matter who he really is or what he is doing (In the book's case, he is involved in some illegal activities, in broad daylight, because no one is watching him. Or rather, people look at him but don't see him.), because all people see is an outsider, whose personality and characteristics they will define as they see fit.
I also started thinking about what I called cycles of invisibility--when I was in middle school, for example, I wanted to be invisible. In high school, I wanted to be noticed, to stand out. In college, it was a mixture. Living in Paris (and I think I've discussed this before in an earlier post), I was happy to be invisible, because it meant that I belonged. Here, most days, I would love nothing more than to be invisible. Because here I am highly visible and highly misunderstood. I am misinterpreted every day, seen only how people want to see me and not how I wish to be seen. I understand that this is always a problem, in any culture, because at home I have at times felt the same way, at a different level. But here I am confronted every day with the fact that I cannot control how I am seen by the world, that I have no say in the matter. I can't say, "No, look, you've got me all wrong," because I will not be understood.
I think this is what I am thinking about most as I head into the next phase of my life, that I miss being understood. Or, at least, better understood than I am here. In New York, or wherever, I am certain that I will be invisible at times, noticed at times, misinterpreted at times. But it will be a different kind of misinterpretation, a more familiar kind, and I welcome it.
I should be getting to bed. Just wanted to share these thoughts.
Just out of college, have my first real job in the book world, and it happens to be in Vietnam. Making the most of this experience, and seeing where it takes me.
Being able to take photos like this one, taken at Phu Quoc Island
